When He Asks You To Leave The House…


wkend page Nina F. Nwulu
The rate of divorce in our contemporary Nigerian Society is rising by the day. Many marriages do not live up to the old religious flavor anymore. A time there was when couples vow before men of God and witnesses who have gathered to witness their weddings that “until death do us part”. Many marriages start crashing even at the after wedding reception. Some do as a consequence of how the groom was caught in intimate entanglements with one of the ladies who was thought to be one of the guests at the occasion. Others have crashed on account of how the groom’s people have treated the bride’s people in the distribution of the food and souvenirs at the reception. For such marriages that hit the rocks at such very early stages, I have less sympathy.
As the couple prepares for the wedding, discordant tones may be noticed where things are not working out well. In other words, the foundation for the union is the major determinant of how the union reacts and responds to the challenges that will definitely confront into the course of its livelihood. Like the biblical parable of houses built on sand and on rocks respectively, marriages react to the vicissitudes of existence according to the circumstances that determine^ the getting together in the first instance. Many people get carried away by the physical attractions which appeal to the eyes like magical pebbles others get attracted by material things like “oh the guy in question lives Overseas”. And for my young lady even before the marriage vow is pronounced begins to dream of her possible stay Overseas, instead of how she can contribute to the overall well being of her marriage. Even when the guy is seen physically and she knows quite well that the man in question is not her dream man, she is not perturbed. Rather she remains resolute with a hope hanging on living in the USA or other countries as the case may be. Most times such men from USA are usually the hottest and the most admired that even when the early signs of misfit appears, young ladies shut their ears and eyes and walk down the aisle just like that. However after sometime, the wrong decision of marriage to the wrong guy comes heavily with all the consequences weighing heavily on the couple. When this scenario sets in, chaos follows. In this type of marriage, I still have no pity on the couples involved. This is because, with an eye wide open they purposefully entered the wrong lane of marriage and so should be left to bear the consequences of their wrong decisions.
This is a modern time where educational exposure and Christianity should serve as major tools of character molding. In the school, one is taught the school lessons and morals as well. In the church the bible is the guiding principles. It is the lamp that lights the path of life. In fact, I see it as the manual of life because every instruction as regards the right principles of life are all contained in the bible including the manual of marriage. And so every Christian who reads the scriptures regularly and goes to church as well should not fall prey to the devil’s destructive tendencies in marriage.
The society is also there to guide you. As a married couple, when you look around your neighbourhood, you must find a couple or two who should inspire you into positive actions. We learn from our fellow beings too. In fact the world is a university with various disciplines. Marriage is one of such.
As earlier pointed out so many factors lead to breakages in the marriage institution. My worry is not on the breakage but on the kind of violence or maltreatment the woman under goes before leaving the matrimonial home. Some women are subjected to untold battering all in the name of marriage. It pains me more when the cause of the battering is not theirs but as a result of the husband’s follies.
Some women have been thrown out of their matrimonial homes on flimsy excuses, some of them rather stupid. Such as “she doesn’t know how to cook or that she cooks my food late; “she doesn’t know how to keep the house clean”. And at such instance, you wonder what the couple has been eating since they married. Some because they came back late from work and others because they responded to a nagging and wicked mother-in-law’s behaviours. To some men these aforementioned issues and more are enough reasons to send their wives packing and you further wonder what romantic expressions he employed in proposing to her. Interestingly, some of these men may commit worst offences. Some have been caught cheating on their wives, some graduated into even impregnating their in-laws, house helps and ladies around the neighbourhood, some men keep late nights bud when they come home, they come with tummies filled with alcoholic concoctions. Such men will leave home same and come back home mad under the full influence of alcohol. And when alcohol is the leader of the soul, definitely the effect it creates is a home full of troubles and woes.
Also how and where will you place such a man who hardly listens to the wife’s passionate advice. Some men will rather die than listen to their wives. Amazingly often times than not, they fall prey to the same issues pointed out earlier by their wives. They suffer regrets.
In all these woes that she is confronted with, some women remain unruffled and bear it all for so many reasons one of which is the care of their children and the shame of being branded a divorcee.
Sometimes, however, these Godforsaken men will come back home and demand that the woman should go. Go where? That is usually the question on my lips. A woman who has given you children. When she came into your life you had no house of your own or probably you were living in a one room apartment and now you can afford a flat and you are asking her to go. Through her encouragement and prudent management of your meager resources you survived different disappointments and to moils of life. She was with you when you bought a land and through her wise counsels you built a house of your own, bought a car and now that it looks like you have money in your pocket to cruise around, the next thing your wife gets is « wish to throw her out of your collective property.
My dear “house ban”, who on earth told you that you have such rights to brutalise her, much more asking her to go, leaving her house for where -and for who? I mean this is shear callousness and wickedness for anyone to contemplate and go further to execute a programme of action that throws out a lady who worked tirelessly to bring life into you and bring in a gold-digger to reap where she did not even cultivate.
To all those wives who found themselves in this cross road, you must not be discouraged, you must brace up and stand strong to defend your home. The home is yours. Prayerfully, you have stood by your man, he has received your wise counsel severally. You emptied your love and care and showered him with great affection. You nurtured him, fed him and as a balm you soothed his pains and encouraged him. Suddenly, he just realized that you are not his missing rib.
Whatever he thinks now doesn’t matter, what matters is that, that places is your home. God never made a mistake when he brought you two together and so do not allow his actions to pull you down. You must rise up and say no to violent tendencies. He has no right to lift a finger against you no matter what. On your wedding day you were given to him to cherish and love and so he must live up to that expectation. More so on your wedding day, you were the person he wedded and not his present street lover. Please, understand me, I am not saying you may not have your faults, sure you do have, just like every other person including him, but you two can work on those faults. If you are able to condone all his mistakes, he should be able to condone yours.
Stand up wherever you are, wipe your tears, put up a strong defensive wall. Who says you are not strong? Your strength is made perfect in his weakness, so says the holy book. Yes guard your loins, put on your helmet of salvation and move ahead and confront the situation. Learn also to pray when you should, talk when it is necessary and also keep quit when the need arises.
You are not going anywhere, that home is yours. If you leave there, you are going to someone else’s home and you will not be comfortable in another person’s abode. This is the more reason, you must put up a strong spiritual fight so that no one dispossesses you of your treasures.
Your children need you more than the\need him so you must be there for them. With God on your side victory is yours.
(This piece is dedicated to women who are suffering from domestic violence and all kinds of deprivations).