Oga, His Gate-Man And His Driver (1)


I will not tell you where I got this story for the sake of the Gateman and the Drivers involved, but I am sure this can make for a pretty good source of lesson.
GATEMAN: My Oga is a wealthy man! The man na king maker, many, many people de come pay am homage. This one no be just for Christmas season o, na every day especially for weekends, because so many people wey do look for favour or wey him do something for dey come for this him domot to greet am with plenty, plenty gifts. Sometimes you go see, yam, naama(cow), goat na him de come plenty pass all of them, plus including wine. I know say as him gateman I no get right at all, at all over this things but check am naa, every time na me de open the gate for this visitors. Oga no de owe me salary o! But my salary na chikiri money! Oga de receive gifts so tey him get people we de come buy am from him house. Once the wine come plenty boku nyafu-nyafu, for him house, oga go just take phone call the people wey go buy am, plus including the goat, yam and fowl!
Like I talk before, I no get right over this things but at least my brothers, how come year in year out, oga and him madam no fit say “Gateman, take this one chop.” The only time them go remember to give me something na when them bring the one wey no be original or e no get NAFDAC number. In fact if you see me chop fowl meat, na the one wey die. If you see me de drink wine, na him be say the wine don expire. Na when something don expire them go remember say them get Gateman wey fit chop!
DRIVER 1: My former Madam na elder for church, her best song na, “Heavely race, I no go tire…” This woman na wicked woman. She no get human feeling at all. One thing be say she de change driver every month because nobody fit drive am for one full month without abandoning both car and salary for am. One day as she de sing “heavenly race I no go tire by the grace of God,” na him I stay for steering tell am say she never see anything yet. She come vex tap me for shoulder say wetin I mean. Na him I come tell am say she never begin even to run earthly race talk less of heavenly race! Na him she come vex begin de hala, say I be common illiterate driver wey de use style insult am. Na him I come give am another one, “Madam, if you begin run earthly race, na him go qualify you for heavenly race, but as I de see you so, if you try begin earthly race, you go tire before the month end.” Haba, I tell am the truth that day O! Come see as she come veeex! She come tell me say if Jesus come now, na she be one of the first person wey go “fly upward” go meet am. As I hear this comment from madam, na him I come vex de laugh am. I reply am say, “Madam, if Jesus come now, now, I go just commot for car leave you follow am. The worst part be say, I go just leave key for you make you drive yourself home. Madam come vex again, she say she go report me for him son wey employ me. Na him I come give am another one wey make am just shut up till we reach house. I tell am, “Madam if Jesus come now, if you like climb the highest MTN mast you no go reach am talkless of flying upward to meet am! Which wing sef you go use? In fact you fit leave all those George wrapper and gold follow Jesus?” My brother, as we reach house na him I just drop key for am waka go home. I no report for work again, because by that time wey me and am de quarrel, I don already make up my mind tey-tey, to leave am! As I drop the key for am na him madam come pour abuse for my body. Haa, she nak grammer that day, no be small. Come see as her head dey shake kpaka-kpakaa! I just wait for am to finish talking, then I come give am another one, -madam, if you get liver talk again and see whether I no go commot that ortumokpo we you bury for backyard!
All the men in the group started laughing and wondering how he got such effrontery to speak to his madam like that. The driver replied, “I no de look Catherine teeth O! Na me go give am tooth paste and toothbrush?”
Just as this driver finished his own story, the other drivers and gatemen began talking of what they would do if rapture took place while their Oga was still at a function. One of them said he would just drop a note for him with the key stating that he has gone to see the Lord. Another one thundered, “If Jesus comes, I will follow Jesus with the car key!” Another one said, “Once the trumpet sounds I go rush enter the hall give oga sign. God forbid, na who I go drive for heaven? In fact him wife wey die since fit ask God make Him send me back go bring Oga. And you know say if Jesus come finish and we follow am go heaven, anybody wey return back go see nwii, because by that time, water don pass garri!”
DRIVER 2: You know my Oga and Madam win award for church as the couple of the year. Their pastor give am gift wey dey like glass shield. Ask me wetin happen to the glass shield that day? The thing break for inside car as I de drive them home! Oga and Madam start quarrel for inside car as I de drive them home. My Oga Madam, she get bad mouth naa. Na him she come yab am say my Oga de behave like male prostitute wey no get shame. Oga vex eh! Na him e carry back-hand give am madam, gbozaa! The glass shield come fall brekete! Me sef I just de laff for my heart as I de talk for inside me, “Couples of the year indeed!” oga sabi pray well well O! But if fight begin between him and Madam, na me and him children dey separate them. Me I de wonder sef why their pastor come give them award… The others in the group took it from him and chorused, “Na money naa!”
GATEMAN 2: I have a very good Oga O! The man no de take me play. In fact e get one day wey him see my wife and pikin dem, he dash dem money one by one! Madam come ask me which school dem they go? Na him she come say make I commot them for that school say she go pay the school fees. My people, since that day my children de for their scholarship O! See poor man like me, my children de go big man pikin dem school! But I no go lie O, if to say them give me the money say make I put them for that kine school I go chop the money! How man go carry that kind money de dash him fellow man? Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I de do be to pray God to bless this my Oga and his wife.
My oga de stay for the estate with other oga. No be say na him only I de open gate for. E get other oga wey I de open gate for. Those ones are so mean! If they blow horn more than two times you no commot open gate, them go just wind glass down and throw abuse on you like say you be animal. They no get time to look you for face or even ask whether you de die or you de live. One day, the house girl of one of them begin sneak out at night to visit all this estate boys. Na him we all the gate men throwey eye commot, -wetin concern us? But after some time we come notice say the daughter of our good oga come join for this bad thing, na him we all the gate men stop oga as him dey drive in one day come report the thing to am. We tell am say him be our own person and we love am, na him make us report this matter to am. If to say na the other ogas here we for just do like say we no see anything! Reverend, abi you de close to all this oga them? I sure say some of them dey come your church, make you try tell them say we too na human being. Na him make us sometimes we no de follow them enter church because we sabi the kine life them de live. E better make we tanda for outside dey bless kola here and talk to Olisa bi n’igwe from under this tree.